Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Never past stage 3
Where are you at now?
Stage 1 - The Romance Stage
This is also known as the Courtship Phase or the Fantasy Stage, and can last anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. This is when you and your partner have just met, and everything is absolutely amazing. You can't get enough of each other. Neither of you can do any wrong in the eyes of the other... mainly because you're both still on your best behavior. The focus in this stage is on commonalities - you have so many common interests, you could practically be the same person! You show your partner your absolute best self, and you try to please each other as much as possible. Conflict is seen as "bad" in this stage, and is avoided at all costs. You can't imagine living without this person, so you begin spending as much time together as possible. This is the stage when our defenses are down the most, which allows you to be open to and fall in love. You and your partner are building an important foundation in this stage, so your relationship can grow. There are biological effects as well. When you're in this stage, your body is producing enormous amounts of endorphins, which makes you feel unusually happy, positive and excited about everything in your life (this is that "head over heels in love" feeling!). This is the stage most often portrayed in movies and romantic novels, for obvious reasons. Bottom line - you are happier than you've ever been, and can't imagine ever feeling any differently.
Stage 2 - The Disillusionment Stage
This stage is also known as the Familiarization Stage, or the Adjusting to Reality Phase. This is where you begin to realize that your partner is actually a human being (horror of horrors!). You get to know each other more and more, and as a result you start recognizing their various flaws and shortcomings. You see your partner in relaxed situations, and you become more relaxed as well. Since your body cannot possibly continue to produce the same levels of endorphins that it was in the beginning, those feelings of being on top of the world start to decline. Your partner's little habits aren't quite as cute as they used to be, but there is still enough goodwill from the Romance Stage that you're willing to overlook them. This stage can start to trickle into your relationship slowly, as you begin to see your partner for who s/he really is. Or sometimes it happens all of a sudden, when there has been some sort of dishonesty or deceit. This phase can be confusing and discouraging, since you've just experienced so much openness and connection in the Romance Stage. However, at this stage, your main job is to learn how to communicate and resolve conflict with this person effectively, which is an important skill if you want your relationship to continue.
Stage 3 - The Power Struggle Stage
This stage is also known as the Disappointment Phase or Distress Stage. As the characteristics from the Disillusionment Phase intensify, they become harder and harder to deal with. You will most likely begin to pull away from each other in this stage. At this point, you both still believe that conflict is a "bad" thing, but you are increasingly aware of your many differences. You fight to draw boundaries in the relationship, and as a result even small annoyances become big issues. This is the stage where you define unacceptable behavior, and most couples have occasional or frequent thoughts of leaving the relationship. More and more often, you start to feel like your partner is self-centered or un-caring, or even worse, that they simply can't be trusted. Deep resentments begin to build if you're unable to resolve your issues in a respectful and mutually agreeable way. Many couples get stuck in this stage, because this way of interacting becomes normal in their relationship. This is when it is absolutely necessary to learn to manage your differences effectively - to communicate and work together as a team, even though it's tempting to believe that your partner's sole purpose on Earth is to make your life difficult. Not surprisingly, this is the stage most couples are in when they decide to break up or file for divorce. However, if they are able to negotiate all of the landmines during this phase, they'll move on to....
Stage 4 - The Stability Stage
This is a restful and peaceful time, compared to the last stage. This stage is also known as the Friendship Phase or Reconciliation Stage. Some couples never make it to this stage, but the ones who do find that they have deeper feelings of love, connection and trust with their partner. You now have history together, and most people begin to rely on the predictability of the relationship. As you enter this stage, you begin to realize that your partner isn't perfect, but your personal differences aren't quite as threatening as they used to be. You're able to resolve most of your differences, at least to some extent, and you become more confident in the relationship. Some people feel a sense of loss in this stage as they learn to accept their partner for who they truly are, since this means they have to let go of the fantasy that was established early on in the relationship. But for the most part, the deepening sense of friendship and commitment is a good trade-off for those early feelings of butterflies and excitement. This is also when you begin to re-establish your own outside interests and friendships, which were given up in the Romance Phase. There is some danger that you may begin to drift apart from or become bored with your partner in this phase, so you should try to maintain the connection that was created in the Romance Phase. Overall, this is the stage when you finally begin to feel comfortable and happy with your deepening relationship.
Stage 5 - The Commitment Stage
This stage is also known as the Acceptance Phase, the Transformation Stage, or the Real Love Phase. It is estimated that fewer than 5% of couples actually make it to this stage, according to The Relationship Institute. This is the stage when both couples have a clear notion of who their partner is, faults, foibles and weaknesses galore... yet they make a conscious choice to be with this person in spite of all of those things (and in some cases, because of those things). You are no longer with your partner because you need them, but because you've chosen them, which means the level of resentment you felt in the Power Struggle Phase has decreased, if not disappeared. If you've made it to this stage, you and your partner are a team. You genuinely love your partner, and you look out for their best interests just as much as you look out for your own. Your partner is your best friend. There are few surprises about your partner's habits or character in this phase. You've collaborated to overcome many challenges together, and have grown to accept and support each other without restriction. Your vision for your relationship is in congruence with who you are and what you both truly want. You have discussed your future together - you have similar life goals, and you feel encouraged to define your relationship further. Many couples decide to make a formal or public commitment to each other in this stage (such as marriage) to demonstrate their intention to continue their relationship. This is the stage in which your relationship becomes a true partnership.
About the author: Sarah M. Schultz, MA, CPC is a certified Personal Development Coach in Park City, UT.
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
1:07 PM
10 things i hate about you
one. i hate it when you hurt me. you don't even feel bad about it.
two. i hate it when you'd always blow your top even though it's a small matter.
three. i hate it when you care more about how your friends feel instead of how i feel.
four. i hate it when you threaten me and turn the tables when you are at fault.
five. i hate it when you give up after only trying for 5 seconds.
six. i hate it when you walk off.
seven. i hate it when you don't listen. you hear what others say but not me.
eight. i hate it when you lie. you do it so much i don't know when you speak the truth.
nine. i hate it when you refuse to compromise. you compromise with everybody but me.
ten. i hate it when you never apologise. you have no idea how insincere you are.
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
2:14 AM
Saturday, April 24, 2010
why???
i don't understand u. sometimes u are so generous, understanding, caring and patient. other times u are so childish, temperamental, bully me and make my life so miserable.
why is it everytime i praise u infront of my friends and feel proud u are my bf, the next day u show me just how much of a jerk u are? it's like one moment i feel so blessed and the next moment the truth hits me. jinxed issit? next time i should just say bad things about u and u won't do them?
be more of a man can? hmph. don't pms. u don't have the right to have pms. u have a balls not breasts.
read up and prove to me u can be trusted. and stop pronouncing my name wrongly or i'll totally give up on u!
how to be a better boyfriend/husband be a better boyfriend
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
11:53 PM
Thursday, February 04, 2010
enough is enough!
i really BTH already ok! i hate stinky pillows and now even my hair is stinky! you NEED to do something. let's go see a doc k???
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
5:13 PM
Thursday, December 31, 2009
new year resolutions
i don't typically do this, cos i don't actually believe in it. i used to think new year resolutions were for people to verbalise what they hope they could achieve yet mostly it's just for the sake of showing people what plans they have in store. you know, NATO.
for me it's like keeping an organizer... i'd buy it probably cos it's a marie or it was pink, and i'd write in it for a few days and the rest of the pages would still be empty by the time i found a new one i liked.
today, on the last day of 2009, i suddenly felt like doing my 2010 resolutions. hehe... maybe i feel if i put it down in black and white (or black and pink) that it'd be 1 step closer to realisation.
i want to have dinner at the jewel box and experience fake snow.
i want to stop procrastinating.
i want to stop being confrontational.
i want to pee regularly.
i want to wash my face twice a day, EVERYDAY.
hmm, keep it simple and achievable! haha
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
12:13 AM
Sunday, November 29, 2009
i'm having a very hard time
i cannot be myself anymore. being myself is going against what i want. i want to be with you and i want to be happy. i'm having a very hard time striking a balance. i cannot understand you if you don't say anything. i cannot be happy if i always feel condemned and guilty. you have to stop making me feel this way, unless you don't give a damn.
i'm in a grey zone now. i need your help.you need to be my light, not the one shrouding me in darkness.
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
9:03 PM
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
self-love and self-acceptance
this is a topic i've been struggling with since the beginning of my existence. it has fully manifested in these recent years and i'm am aware of the backlash it brings with it.
i feel like i'm being punished all the time. i know it has got to do with my stubborn and rebellious nature. i want to lead yet there is security in following. i want to lead yet the lack of support makes it hard for me to believe in myself. often enough, i feel so isolated...... and lonely.
the people i love tend to condemn me and this makes me very unhappy. i picked this up from a site when i googled self-love:
Children Learn What They Live
If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to feel shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
he learns to find love in the world.
honestly? i've learnt all the negative traits of the above. i grew up well-developed academically but i'm a repressed child inside. the person i think i love the most calls me selfish and condemns me when i make sense to myself. is it too late for me? of course not, as many would say. learning is a lifelong journey. but if definitely is difficult. all i can say is, i'm not strong enough to do this alone. and yet, my warped sense of pride makes it hard for me to accept help.
i wonder how long it'll take for me to break free of these shackles.
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
3:15 PM
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
spot check
Dearest lg,
thank you for always visiting my blog.
i have taken note of some complaints and have made the respective changes. Take a peek to your right. ^_^
i LOVE you!
Yours truly,
lp
♥ bubbles SUBTLY fUnKy.
6:33 PM
